by Jason Ward
When you put your home up for sale, the real estate agent asks you to vacate for the viewing.
That’s what Prime Minister Stephen Harper has asked of (forced on) Torontonians this weekend for G20.
Now we don’t want to disappoint Mr. Harper of Enforced Canadian Reality, so be sure that if you’re leaving your office today, you leave it as clean as possible. And get the hell out. It’s intimidating for potential dignitaries to see people actually living in the city they’re visiting.
As you’re making your escape from Fortress Toronto, appreciate the significant investments your tax dollars have made into the brand new fencing that runs through the downtown core, perfect for keeping children & world leaders safe from protesters, jazz fans and jubilant homosexuals.
Did you see the brand new pool, the one at the Direct Energy Centre? Doesn’t it remind you of cottage country? No? Didn’t you see the artificial lake? As an added safety bonus, this $1.9 million feature is just a little less deep than a post-winter pothole on Lakeshore Boulevard. If you’re not much of a swimmer (or wader), enjoy the luxurious Muskoka chairs and big-screen TV, complete with the sounds of the outdoors, like birds chirping, coyotes howling and campers cursing about black flies.
Oh, and let’s not forget the newly-hired security force. With busloads of officers arriving each day, Toronto is ready to tackle, arrest and detain potential troublemakers of all shapes, sizes and political persuasions. We’ve also outfitted this special security force with the latest in hi-tech disturbance countermeasures – such as sound and water cannons – that not only tell intruders to get lost, but also provide a free shower to the great unwashed.
Indeed, this force is a great selling feature whose impressiveness is outweighed only by its effectiveness (we just won’t mention the blind spot just outside the security zone…so long as no one fires off a gun down there during the G20 viewing, we should be OK).
Yes, with $1.2 billion in renovations, Fortress Toronto is bound to impress potential buyers, investors and world leaders.
And make Mr. Harper one hell of a commission.
Originally published on the WTF?! with Jason Ward Blog at Q107.com
June 24, 2010
Your Toronto G20 buyer’s guide
When you put your home up for sale, the real estate agent asks you to vacate for the viewing.
That’s what Prime Minister Stephen Harper has asked of (forced on) Torontonians this weekend for G20.
Now we don’t want to disappoint Mr. Harper of Enforced Canadian Reality, so be sure that if you’re leaving your office today, you leave it as clean as possible. And get the hell out. It’s intimidating for potential dignitaries to see people actually living in the city they’re visiting.
As you’re making your escape from Fortress Toronto, appreciate the significant investments your tax dollars have made into the brand new fencing that runs through the downtown core, perfect for keeping children & world leaders safe from protesters, jazz fans and jubilant homosexuals.
Did you see the brand new pool, the one at the Direct Energy Centre? Doesn’t it remind you of cottage country? No? Didn’t you see the artificial lake? As an added safety bonus, this $1.9 million feature is just a little less deep than a post-winter pothole on Lakeshore Boulevard. If you’re not much of a swimmer (or wader), enjoy the luxurious Muskoka chairs and big-screen TV, complete with the sounds of the outdoors, like birds chirping, coyotes howling and campers cursing about black flies.
Oh, and let’s not forget the newly-hired security force. With busloads of officers arriving each day, Toronto is ready to tackle, arrest and detain potential troublemakers of all shapes, sizes and political persuasions. We’ve also outfitted this special security force with the latest in hi-tech disturbance countermeasures – such as sound and water cannons – that not only tell intruders to get lost, but also provide a free shower to the great unwashed.
Indeed, this force is a great selling feature whose impressiveness is outweighed only by its effectiveness (we just won’t mention the blind spot just outside the security zone…so long as no one fires off a gun down there during the G20 viewing, we should be OK).
Yes, with $1.2 billion in renovations, Fortress Toronto is bound to impress potential buyers, investors and world leaders.
And make Mr. Harper one hell of a commission.
Originally published on the WTF?! with Jason Ward Blog at Q107.com
June 24, 2010