The (Not So) Amazing Race
Did we miss something?
When did Toronto’s Mayoral campaign slip into boring?
There’ve been numerous debates and a lot of talk about issues lately. Candidate Rob Ford wants to build subways and derail City Hall’s “gravy train”. George Smitherman is eager to build up Toronto’s waterfront and increase arts and culture spending. Rocco Rossi is listing specifics on how he’d cut costs at City Hall and Joe Pantalone wants to grow more support for the TTC’s “Transit City” expansion plan and bring more green industries to Toronto.
Blah, blah, blah. Who really cares what these people will do if they become Mayor on October 25th?
What matters more, if our neighbours to the south are to be believed (and when are our American friends ever wrong?), is how badly these candidates want the job and how much slander they’re willing to throw around to get into the Mayor’s office come Election Day.
Since the candidates are having a little trouble with the mudslinging right now, I believe it falls to yours truly to load up and start firing ill-founded, untrue rumours.
George Smitherman – Took too many red pills in his party days and now goes by the name of “Agent Smitherman” at his campaign office, dodging questions about Ontario’s eHealth debacle about as well as he avoids punches from guys named Neo. Also, he keeps muttering about “hating this place” and needing to be “free.”
Rocco Rossi – Doesn’t actually have ‘Bocce Balls’, or balls of any kind. They were blown off in a pasta-cooking accident. Ever since, he can’t stand the sight of anything round in a mesh or plastic bag.
Joe Pantalone – Actually a robot controlled by David Miller so it’s not obvious that Toronto’s current Mayor is running again. Miller couldn’t afford a taller robot without drawing suspicion.
Rob Ford – Eats kittens. Daily. With gravy.
See? It’s not that hard. Politics are supposed to be about insults, petty arguments and character assassinations.
That’s what really matters to Torontonians, isn’t it?
Originally published on the WTF?! with Jason Ward Blog at Q107.com
October 5, 2010
Well, well, well…
After what you did last night, we’re doomed.
Did you read that right? I’ll say it again….DOOMED!!!
Sure, sure, you came out in record numbers to voice your opinion. Good for you! That cookie you think you’re going to get? The cook will soon be out of a job. Plus half of City Council, if our new mayor has his way.
Got a complaint for City Hall? Something not right in your neighbourhood? Kids keep burning park benches? Kiss goodbye the ability to pick up the phone and call a real person to fix that issue. They’re going to be shown the door too. Don’t complain when unemployment numbers go up.
Ride a bike? That’s fine, but if you’re trying to get to work on pedal-power, don’t complain if you’re hit by a car because there isn’t a bike lane where you need it. You’re swimming with sharks. It’s a risk you take when you choose to be too poor to buy a motor vehicle.
Street festivals? Charity marathons? Support for a vibrant and oft-admired culture of arts and creativity? Don’t look for them on Toronto’s city streets. Look for them in that park down the hill, behind those trees and past those bushes, out of the way of the drivers that don’t bother coming downtown for such events anyway.
That’s right, the gravy train is out of service, just like Transit City. It’s being replaced by a subway line to the Scarborough Town Centre that, by some miracle, will be completed in four years for far less money than it will actually cost.
How? Dunno yet. It’ll just happen.
Oh, and the sky. Keep an eye out for that. It’s due to fall on December 1st.
When Mayor Rob Ford takes office.
Then we’ll really meet the new boss.
So Toronto…what do you have to say for yourself?
Originally published on the WTF?! with Jason Ward Blog at Q107.com
October 26, 2010