28th Nov2010

Full disclosure

by Jason Ward

Ladies, on behalf of real men everywhere, I have something to share:

We hate shopping with you.

If we’re trying to get in a relationship, we fake it well.  Once we’re in, the last thing we want to do is spend an afternoon at Ikea being asked for an opinion you won’t pay attention to anyway.

Once in a relationship, men become tactical shoppers – we know what we want, we get it, then get the fuck out of the store.

We know you like to browse.  Don’t complain if we get bored.

Going to Victoria’s Secret helps keep our interest though.  That’s a good idea, because we know that what you’re shopping for will eventually benefit us.

Even so, we can’t go into the fitting room with you.  We’re stuck trying to kill twenty minutes in a place with no gadgets to admire, no sports to watch and no booze to enjoy.

Oh, and we’re surrounded by pictures of half-naked women.

Honestly, you can’t be surprised if you take a look at our smartphone after we get home and find shots like this:

Don’t get mad.  What else was there to do?  You wanted company in the store.

If anything, it’s your fault.

25th Nov2010

Better by Blaxploitation: Boss

by Jason Ward

In part two of our self-improvement series, things are going to get controversial.

As we continue to look to Blaxploitation cinema for life-affirming lessons on how to be a better, more successful person, a certain word was bound to pop up.

I’m not a big fan of the word itself because of the historical implications. Even so, we can’t just shut our eyes and plug our ears to history. Words need context to have meaning.

Today, I’m using the word in the context that it was presented in when this week’s Better by Blaxploitation film debuted in 1975.

It’s not just about oppression. It’s about overcoming it.

Consider yourself warned.

Boss Nigger
Starring Fred “The Hammer” Williamson, D’Urville Martin and William Smith
Written by Fred Williamson
Directed by Jack Arnold
4/5
This time around, two black bounty hunters are chasing down a fugitive in the Old West. After finding themselves in a town with no sheriff, they declare themselves the law despite the inept mayor’s objections and take advantage of the racist townsfolk while they wait to catch their man.

You think the title’s bad? You’ll love the trailer…

Three Main Lessons:

1) Comeuppance is something to be relished.

Given the title of the film, you’ve got to be functionally disadvantaged if you think you won’t hear the N-bomb a lot.

As Boss (Williams) and his trusty sidekick Amos (D’Urville Martin) become sheriff and deputy, they set up “Black Man’s Law” – fines and jail sentences for any and all who disrespect them in their new positions and especially for use of the “N” word.

While Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles from 1974 played the idea of a black sheriff in the Old West for comedic effect, Williamson’s film from 1975 takes the idea and uses it towards a sense of wish fulfillment. What persecuted person has ever not fantasized about getting back at his or her oppressor?

If others have kept you back by their actions and you’ve finally overcome their roadblocks, enjoy the victory. If others have fallen victim to their own ignorance and efforts to hurt you, enjoy that too. Relish that feeling, but don’t gloat. If your enemies have learned their lesson, they could make better allies later on.

2) Do what’s right. Always.

On top of fighting racism in his own special way, Boss also takes the time to actually fight injustice despite his less-than-legitimate position. He rescues a woman (Carmen Hayworth) from an ambush that claims her father. He helps feed a poor Mexican family by brazenly stealing food from the local store, later having it billed to the town’s corrupt mayor. Along the way, he wins the favour of the town’s hot schoolteacher (Barbara Leigh), a decent reward in itself.

Sometimes what’s right isn’t always what’s legal, but you’ll sleep better for doing right.

3) Controversy sells. Use it.

Fred Williamson made his way into film after his pro football career ended in 1968. He had a role in the film M*A*S*H and, by 1973, was regularly starring in Blaxploitation classics like Hammer and Black Caesar. Williamson began writing screenplays with Boss Nigger, eventually producing and directing as well by 1976’s Adios Amigo.

In 1972, Williamson and Martin first teamed up to star in Martin Goldman and Larry Spangler’s The Legend of Nigger Charley, becoming one of Paramount Studio’s highest-grossing movies of the year according to Wikipedia. The film was quickly followed in 1973 by The Soul of Nigger Charley and in 1975 with Boss Nigger. In the 2008 DVD release of the film (simply titled Boss), Williamson credits using the “N” word with creating sensationalism and success at the box office. He also offers a sober reminder of the word’s context in the films:

“You have to remember that all those who used that word against me in those films regretted it.”

Controversy works. It’s just a matter of using the right amount at the right time.

And in the right context.

23rd Nov2010

Avoiding Bridezilla

by Jason Ward

I’ve been around a lot of people taking the marriage plunge in the last year and I’ve seen some otherwise sane people turn crazy.

In most cases, the suddenly crazy are women.

In more polite circles, we call such suddenly crazy women Bridezillas.

Statistically speaking, one out of every three women is capable of becoming a Bridezilla (Source: Thin Air).  Much like nuclear radiation led to the creation of Godzilla, so too can a startling metamorphosis occur when an engagement ring is presented to a certain woman.  Ending up with a Bridezilla can turn an engagement into Hell itself, something you certainly want to avoid.

Here are three questions you need to ask if you think you may have a Bridezilla on your hands:

1) Is she casting? – Some women are obsessed with the idea of marriage to the point where it’s the thing they talk about the most.  A woman that’s had her wedding planned for years and already owns her wedding dress without having someone to marry is a Bridezilla-in-waiting.  She’s not looking for a life-partner, she’s casting for a romantic lead in her own life story.  If you nail the audition, you might be subject to an experience worse than what Martin Sheen endured shooting Apocalypse Now – and the title will still fit. 

2) Is nothing ‘perfect enough’? – Fairy tales and romance novels have led many women to believe that everything during your engagement and wedding has to happen a certain way.  Didn’t make enough money at the stag & doe?  People aren’t responding fast enough to the wedding invitations?  She wants you to propose again and not stutter this time?  If she’s more interested in making a story than caring about the substance of your relationship, you’ve got a Bridezilla, buddy.

3) Are you cut out of the planning entirely?In general, men don’t give a damn about the wedding.  Men have been raised in western culture with the unspoken fact that it’s the Bride’s day and for the most part, the Groom is just there.  When it comes to wedding planning, men don’t really care if the serviettes on the dining tables match the curtains around the hall and the bridesmaid’s dresses. Still, men want to be included on some level, at least to know what the hell is going on.  When planning is taken over entirely by a Bride and the Groom is left out in the cold, it’s an obvious case of Bridezillaism.

For my female readers:  Please don’t think I’m sexist – Groomzillas do exist but in far fewer quantities.  After all, there’s no TV show about Groomzillas, is there?  The behaviours I’ve described above can and do occur in men and my advice is the same regardless of the sex of the ‘zilla:

Run.

19th Nov2010

A trip down…

by Jason Ward

“Let’s take a trip down memory lane.”

As it turns out, the figurative can become literal in Toronto’s Leslieville neighbourhood.

On Leslie Street, just south of Queen Street East, you’ll find a little sign for a laneway going east.

In disbelief?  Check this out:

For the record, it doesn’t smell of long-lost loves, past victories or prior defeats.

It smells like MSG, motor oil and garbage.

Makes more sense that way.

18th Nov2010

Better by Blaxploitation – Willie Dynamite

by Jason Ward

For men, self-help books, therapists and Oprah Winfrey just don’t cut it when it comes to learning how to live better.

For guidance and affirmation, we turn to another source – the Blaxploitation film.

To help you on your path to greatness, JasonWard.ca is proud to present Better by Blaxploitation.  Every Thursday, we’ll take a look at the life lessons from a Blaxploitation film to learn how you too can righteously triumph over “The Man.”

This week, get to know the man with the strong pimp hand…Willie Dynamite.

Willy DynamiteWillie Dynamite follows a New York pimp (Roscoe Orman) determined to be number one in the city despite opposition from police, rival pimps and a prostitute turned social worker named Cora (Diana Sands).
Three Main Lessons:
1) Secure your territory
A long-held fact of urban living is that pimping ain’t easy, and New York’s Willie Dynamite certainly doesn’t have it as easy as his giant fur coats and hats may lead you to believe.  Continually harassed by the police for his illegal lifestyle, Willie’s ambition of being the number one pimp in New York City also makes him a target of the pimp council.  Willie opts out of the group’s idea to organize together and divide up New York’s territory.
Willie’s ambition outstrips his ability in this case.  As much as it can be undesirable, sometimes organizing with others to secure territory is better than going it alone – at least until you’ve got the resources to protect yourself and grow.  Find a niche, carve out a piece for yourself and you’ll find success.
2) Protect your investments
Perhaps Willie Dynamite’s biggest struggle is fighting off Cora’s influence on his stable of women. Cora points out to the girls that Willie isn’t giving them a fair cut out of the money they earn, nor are his gifts of clothing and jewellery as valuable as he’s been saying.  As the girls start to question Willie’s commitment to them, Willie finds he’s starting to face even greater troubles from within his stable than without.
By protecting and investing in one’s employees and business assets, the smart businessman can prevent interference early on by building loyalty that won’t be questioned.  Invest in your people and they’ll invest in you.
Gordon Dynamite?3) Eventually, all is forgiven if you choose to work with kids
If you’ve been looking at pictures of Willie Dynamite and thinking you know that guy but you just can’t put your finger on it, it’s because the actor who plays Willie D, Roscoe Orman, also went on to play Gordon on Sesame Street.
Suddenly, Sesame Street seems a whole lot more interesting, doesn’t it?
Imagine that Willie D gave up his big pimpin’ ambitions to embrace the quiet life on Sesame Street under a new name.  Willie Dynamite even ends in such a way to make you think he turns a corner and ends up surrounded by Muppets and children.  Watching an ex-pimp live in harmony among the likes of an obsessive-compulsive numerologist (The Count), a closeted gay couple (Bert & Ernie) and a pack rat (Oscar) shows that even adults can learn something new from Sesame Street: We can all get along.
And when all else fails, do it for the kids.

Willie Dynamite
Starring Roscoe Orman, Diana Sands, Thalmus Rasulala and Joyce Walker
Written by Ron Cutler and Joe Keyes Jr.
Directed by Gilbert Moses
3/5

15th Nov2010

A label to be proud of

by Jason Ward

First off, I want to thank everyone that’s been checking out JasonWard.ca and sending feedback.

Yeah, it’s not flashy and full of sexy pictures or animations that take hours to load, but it does the job.

To folks at a certain major Communications/Entertainment/Media company, JasonWard.ca is apparently doing a whole other type of job.

A good friend who works for this company (that I’m not allowed to name because it might get him in trouble) sent me an e-mail that explains why he can’t enjoy my bastard e-child at work.   What’s my site considered?

Category: Pornography

Awesome. I’m banned by one of the biggest content producers and providers in the country for being a smut peddler.

With no nudity, DPs or even a Cleveland Steamer on the site.

Thank you, company that rhymes with Dodgers, for giving me an unjustified label that makes no sense.

And is something I’m very, very proud of.

12th Nov2010

Something ELSE to remember…

by Jason Ward

With yesterday being Remembrance Day, I wrote a piece on my WTF?! with Jason Ward blog about conceiving in the mind’s eye the sheer number of lives lost in both the first and second World Wars (check out that piece here).

With the writing all done and wanting the blog to wear a poppy (just as I have for the last few weeks), I did a quickie Google search for a poppy image.

The search, of course, returned with pictures of poppies.  Lots of poppies, both living and the made-for-yesterday kind.

It also returned pictures like this:

NOT the poppy I was looking for!

Her name, believe it or not, is Poppy Montgomery. She played Samantha Spade on TV’s Without a Trace from 2002 through 2009.

Remember, Google is a gateway to a library rivaling that in Ancient Egypt’s Alexandria.

And a gateway to boobies.

Lots and lots of boobies.