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Things I Don’t Understand Volume Two: Christmas

Try though we might, there’s no denying it now–the irresistible force of the Christmas is upon us.

As I said before, the obligations of the season are things to get done, and for me, got done–decorations are up, presents are wrapped, boozy rewards are consumed. But in the moments I’ve poked my head up from out of the bunker, I’ve noticed this festive season has changed compared to Christmases past.

If you already thought this holiday had all the class of a weekend on Lundy’s Lane in Niagara Falls, have I got five new points of confusion for you:

  1. Lights Everywhere – Festive displays started popping up right after Halloween. In some cases, jack o’ lanterns were still rotting on porches while red-and-green LED icicles were being hung on storm gutters with care. I’ve got one strand of snowflakes out. That’s it. Glowing candy canes, festive disco balls, and twinkling castles are now the norm for every other house in sight, and they’re all energy efficient and safe as safe can be. Isn’t part of the adventure of outdoor lighting the risk of burning down your house with shoddy wiring?
  2. Inflatable Lawn Decorations – Who spends hundreds of dollars on blow-up snow globes, elves-on-shelves, or helicopter Santas for less than perverted purposes? And why does Santa even need a helicopter? He has eight supernaturally-powered reindeer to help him get around (nine in bad weather if you count the four-legged fog light). Our streets not only glow bright enough to signal a plane to land, but they sound like one already did, humming as hundreds of air pumps compete for decorative dominance.
  3. Car Decorations – There is no need, ever, to put a red nose and antlers on your car or truck or public transit bus–it’s the festive version of putting testicles on your 4×4. And if you happen to be the Milton town official that decided decorating local buses like Rudolph was a good use of public funds, please resign immediately.
  4. Holiday Movies – Remember when festive films actually had something to do with Christmas? Not any more! Now we’ve got films like Disney’s Into the Woods, Franco and Rogen’s The Interview, and Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: The Milking of a Fanbase. Truth is, Christmas is the only day anyone can invest the necessary 1086 minutes on The Hobbit trilogy and The Lord of the Rings films (special editions, of course), if only because everything is closed, nobody posts new stuff on the internet, and no one in the family wants to talk.
  5. Child Bribing – It’s not enough to threaten bad kids with no Christmas anymore. When shopping, parents must now bribe their raging offspring to get the shopping done. With enough trips come enough bribes, and the kids don’t even need Christmas. They’re smarter than us, and that should give you hope.

More grinching to come. Promise.


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